Just What Is a Canker-Blossom?
By Wolfie
Disclaimer: All characters belong to the mighty Jo Rowling, may she have long life, happiness and multiplying plot bunnies. I make no money (shyeah I wish!) and don't intend to offend anyone, despite the insult in the story.
Rating: G (unless you count possibly bad conotations from a Shakespearean quote)
Author's Note: This be in response to Elewyiss' challenge fic. It be all her fault. Thank you. The title comes from a question I asked myself when I read the insult. It seemed appropriate for the insult, if not the story.

Just What Is a Canker-Blossom?

by Wolfie

If he read another line of Shakespeare, he'd go crossed-eyed.

"You know," James Potter commented to his friends, "there's a reason this Muggle playwright is dead and I've just figured it out."

Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew looked up from their own perusals of the Elizabethan writer's works with interest. "Okay, I'll bite," said Peter around a yawn. "Why?"

"Someone killed him because he used too many stupid words." James looked back down at his text. "I mean, what does 'fen-sucked' mean, anyway?" The four boys dissolved into fits of laughter.

Madam Pince, the librarian at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, stalked over to them and loomed over their table. "You four are here for detention for mouthing off in History of Magic. There will be no laughter or having a good time. Get to work!"

She stalked back off to her private office, oblivious of the stuck-out tongue Peter delivered at her back.

"I can't believe Binns is making us do essays on the works of Shakespeare in one night for our detention," Sirius said glumly. "I hate Shakespeare. I've already been bombarded with the idiot at home and now I have to have it at a Muggle school."

"You have my sympathy for your prior abuse," consoled Remus, grimacing down at his copy of 'The Tempest'. "What are you doing again?"

Sirius grinned evilly and held up his book. "'The Taming of the Shrew'. I plan on using some of Petruchio's lines on Leslie. He had some great drivel in this work to woo a woman."

James looked with interest at Sirius' text. "Did it work?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, Katharine gives in at the end and becomes an amiable, biddable wife."

James immediately lost interest. "I like Lily's fire and passion," he informed them with a knowing grin. "It makes for an interesting time in the Astronomy Tower."

"I so do *not* want to hear this," Remus said, clapping his hands over his ears. Peter, Sirius and James laughed.

"You're just jealous because you don't have a girlfriend, yet," teased Peter. He pulled out a photograph of Mathilda, his own sweetheart, a Hufflepuff girl with a heart of gold, bouncy brown curls and a cherub-like face.

"I've got a girl!" protested Remus, sticking his nose back into 'The Tempest'.

"Yes, but does she *know* she's your girl?" asked Sirius, plucking the book out of Remus' hands and laying it down on the table. "All you've done is buy her a butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks."

Remus snatched the book back up and used it to hide is beet-red face. "Actually we shared a bit more than that actually. Some quaint Muggle form of kissing that requires gum."

"You mean Lily wasn't kidding? Muggles *do* that?" sputtered James.

"Do what?" asked Peter over Sirus' howl of laughter that brought Madam Pomfrey from her office again.

"What are you three doing?" she snapped peevishly.

Sirius, smooth and suave as ever, held up 'The Taming of the Shrew'. "Laughing at one of Katharine's comments to Petruchio," he told her. He cleared his throat and pretended to read. "You, Petruchio! Thou unmuzzled dizzy-eyed canker-blossom!"

They dissolved into laughter again and this time even Madam Pomfrey cracked a smile. "Very clever, Mr. Black," she told him, "but I know 'The Taming of the Shrew' by heart. It's my favorite you see, and you look more like a canker-blossom than I do. Five points from Gryffindor for your cheek and keep in mind that Shakespeare is the expert at insults, hmm?"

James, Remus and Peter stifled giggles at Sirius' dumbfounded expression.

"I hate Shakespeare," he grumbled.

"Me too," the other three said and went back to their essays.